Monday 4th July

American Independence Day and the day of my Parish Interview.

I feel suitably nervous but not overly so.  It is a two day interview, and the first day involves looking round the parish. Something that I have done already , but which seems a waste of time from my pov. However, it is the opportunities to shine that I should be looking for.

At 2 o'clock , I arrive at the door of the church . I'm not late - a minor miracle, although juggling the petrol costs to get there was a worry. Everyone seems to be chatting aimiably. I suddenly feel rather tired and somewhat hot. As we stand round in a group waiting for the inevitable to happen, I notice one candidate who seems to know the date of everything to do with the church. I look at him, the man's a wally, so I have nothing to fear.

At the local school, we take a tour looking interested , as if we have never seen inside in a Primary School before. Another candidate now reveals that she was a teacher and that this is just the best school she has ever seen. In the Headteacher's office, she asks the Head if he calls the Staff together for Morning Prayers. I raise my eyes to the ceiling.

Later on the 2 hour tour of the parish, that we could have done in 20 mins. tops., another candidate, whose People Carrier we are in, decides to reverse close to a small quay. We in the back shout out a warning about how close we are to the edge, at which point the driver deliberately reverses some more to just see our reaction and then bursts out laughing. The man is an idiot.

After being bounced around for two hours, I cannot wait to leave the vehicle and head off to get some headspace. This is my first fatal mistake. A church member asks if any of us would like to go to her house before the evening event. Keen to recuperate and restore my equilibrium, I decline. I am an idiot.

The event is a 'Meet the PCC' and other interested parties. My only suit is dark and pin-striped - I discover later that they are looking for a relaxed pastor. This is my second fatal mistake, but there is nothing I can do as it is the only suit I own . Don't they know that given the chance I am so laid back that I am virtually horizontal?

I am the first to arrive, perhaps a minute or two before the start. I try and strike up a good greeting without being too intense. The old ladies shiver. I bat on regardless , knowing that I must look conversational by the time the others arrive. On my own I am perfectly happy, but these forced social situations are absolutely unbearable . Anyway, they say that no matter how you are feeling, your outward face rarely reveals your inward feeling.

Thankfully, at 9 o'clock we are free to go. After a decent interval , I make my excuses and vanish into the cool night air. I leave everyone still talking.  My third fatal mistake.