My income from the funerals I do, now provides enough to enable me to get by but provides nothing for extras of any sort. It is still hand to mouth but at least the mouth is fed and the car runs, but no hope of saving anything. Maybe that will come with time.
The big drawback is that , at my mother's house, I am 2 hours from the centre of my 'work' and I have an early morning service to take tomorrow. It is too stressful and risky to drive three hours ahead of time because the greater the distance, the greater the chance of something going wrong. Not only that, but all profits derived from the services I take would soon disappear into my petrol tank.
Today, I led a service in the said town, so the idea of driving two hours back to my mother's and then driving two hours to get here the following day, is just a non-starter.
So now we come to the crunch, the nub of the matter, the truth about my situation. And the truth is that I have nowhere to stay tonight. I cannot afford a hotel , nor do I have friends to turn to . I am in fact homeless.
It is not the end of the world as it happens to us all from time to time, but what is scary is not knowing if this process might stretch way out to the future. I am not on the street with nowhere to go, for I do have a car and that will be my shelter for the night.
At about 8 o'clock at night, as darkness begins to fall, I head over to the local Sainsbury's knowing that I can kill a bit of time wandering around there. Strange to say, that when you are busy and you are looking for a diversion, going round a supermarket taking your time over things can be a glorious way to waste some time. On the other hand, when you have got all the time in the world, suddenly, nothing looks quite as attractive or interesting, and the browsing is done in an instant.
I decide to treat myself cheaply to anything in the reduced aisle, to make my tea. After some thought, I buy a pack of sandwiches and a dessert. Looking for a drink, I suddenly realise that I am going to buy a bottle of wine, and maybe drink it all, well, I won't be driving. A curtain is briefly lifted, as I see for myself why so many homeless people turn to alcohol. I previously knew it for myself, but now I see that it is the arch medicine, the magical cure all for the world's pains.
Back in my car, I drink a few glasses and begin to sense its ameliorating effects towards all the world's ills.
After 15 years in the ministry with a developing career, it has suddenly come down to this. An outcome I did not seek or secretly wish for, but one that I find myself in quite unexpectedly. The knowledge of one's alone-ness is quite a sobering thought.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Friday 26th August
Here we go again!
Once more, a van has been borrowed and once more I'm filling it with my jun....I mean highly prized items, and my poor mother has agreed to host it all in one of the rooms in her house.
My spirits hover between happiness that there shouldn't be as much stuff and the fact that most of it is in boxes, and despair that I am moving yet again and that all my goods and chattels are going to be spread between two cities , 3 hours drive apart. It is a poignant reflection of my life at the moment, scattered to the 4 winds with no base and no place to call my own.
This time my 2nd son is rallying round - apart from being too bossy, he is a good lad and like his older brother, rallies round to the cause.
Although the furniture and items I have brought with me are fewer in quantity, there is still more than enough to mean two van trips to my mother's house. During the journey to and fro, my son and I pass an RAF base and begin reciting some of Churchill's speeches to each other. His fake voice is not as good as my impersonation, although I'm sure that my son's passion would have rallied the troops at that time, had I not been available.
Loading and unloading - books dispatched to the garden shed, then finally all is complete. However, not before I have driven over a manhole cover and broken it thus jamming a wheel in the sewer . Totally incapacitated, the van was clearly going no where and as I looked at it I wondered how on earth I was going to get it out. Amazingly, down a remote country lane with only a few houses around, a neighbour has the necessary jack to lift a heavy van.
Next time I move, I want it to be the last time, or at least the one before my final move. Already my resolve is cracking and compromise is beginning to creep in.
Once more, a van has been borrowed and once more I'm filling it with my jun....I mean highly prized items, and my poor mother has agreed to host it all in one of the rooms in her house.
My spirits hover between happiness that there shouldn't be as much stuff and the fact that most of it is in boxes, and despair that I am moving yet again and that all my goods and chattels are going to be spread between two cities , 3 hours drive apart. It is a poignant reflection of my life at the moment, scattered to the 4 winds with no base and no place to call my own.
This time my 2nd son is rallying round - apart from being too bossy, he is a good lad and like his older brother, rallies round to the cause.
Although the furniture and items I have brought with me are fewer in quantity, there is still more than enough to mean two van trips to my mother's house. During the journey to and fro, my son and I pass an RAF base and begin reciting some of Churchill's speeches to each other. His fake voice is not as good as my impersonation, although I'm sure that my son's passion would have rallied the troops at that time, had I not been available.
Loading and unloading - books dispatched to the garden shed, then finally all is complete. However, not before I have driven over a manhole cover and broken it thus jamming a wheel in the sewer . Totally incapacitated, the van was clearly going no where and as I looked at it I wondered how on earth I was going to get it out. Amazingly, down a remote country lane with only a few houses around, a neighbour has the necessary jack to lift a heavy van.
Next time I move, I want it to be the last time, or at least the one before my final move. Already my resolve is cracking and compromise is beginning to creep in.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Friday 12th August
My mother has wanted a family get together for most of this year.
Once she gets a bee under her bonnet she can be quite insistent. And who was given the task of organising it all?
Muggins!
I was not in the best of moods today. Why had I been left to organise the whole thing when my younger brother seemed, as always, to get let off the hook?
The barbecue itself had been plucked straight from the municipal tip. One evening, my daughter and I had taken some grass cuttings down to the tip, and by chance I came across a large barbecue unit sitting on top of the skip. When no one was looking, I placed it safely inside my car.
The invited guests included, my brother and his partner and my mother's sister and her husband, not forgetting my three children.
Lighting a barbecue was the easy bit, and I had deliberately chosen an easy starter to get us going. Barbecued sardines with salt and lemon juice on toast. Somehow, the whole thing got terribly involved and I was left high and dry juggling all sorts of things, on the lawn, without an additional table or accompanying plates. etc. My mother had also annoyed me because we had made a shopping list together so as to save money, despite this she still went out and bought a load of shopping that neither of us had agreed on!
The purpose of the day was to wish my eldest son, 'Bon Voyage', on his trip to Canada to join in with the skiing season. My brother gave him , '£150' ! I shall have to give him £200 . I cannot have the boy's uncle giving more than the boy's father.
It was a wonderful day. the weather was good and I finally relaxed enough to enjoy itself.
Well done my mother for having a great idea!
Once she gets a bee under her bonnet she can be quite insistent. And who was given the task of organising it all?
Muggins!
I was not in the best of moods today. Why had I been left to organise the whole thing when my younger brother seemed, as always, to get let off the hook?
The barbecue itself had been plucked straight from the municipal tip. One evening, my daughter and I had taken some grass cuttings down to the tip, and by chance I came across a large barbecue unit sitting on top of the skip. When no one was looking, I placed it safely inside my car.
The invited guests included, my brother and his partner and my mother's sister and her husband, not forgetting my three children.
Lighting a barbecue was the easy bit, and I had deliberately chosen an easy starter to get us going. Barbecued sardines with salt and lemon juice on toast. Somehow, the whole thing got terribly involved and I was left high and dry juggling all sorts of things, on the lawn, without an additional table or accompanying plates. etc. My mother had also annoyed me because we had made a shopping list together so as to save money, despite this she still went out and bought a load of shopping that neither of us had agreed on!
The purpose of the day was to wish my eldest son, 'Bon Voyage', on his trip to Canada to join in with the skiing season. My brother gave him , '£150' ! I shall have to give him £200 . I cannot have the boy's uncle giving more than the boy's father.
It was a wonderful day. the weather was good and I finally relaxed enough to enjoy itself.
Well done my mother for having a great idea!
Thursday 21st July
Today, a first for me.
At a funeral, a family's request for S- Club 7's ' Reach for the Stars' - a jaunty little number - was duly played at the Committal....
Well, the family said they wanted something upbeat. That's fine, I have no problem with that, it was just that when I had done the 'Forasmuch' - the adult daughter of the family climbed on to her pew and started clapping and dancing in time with the music , and encouraging everyone else on.
It was horrifying. I decided that I couldn't join in , so I turned and faced the coffin throughout.
It was like the worst sort of disco and failed because it was more about the music than about the person. I noticed that my reluctance / refusal to join in was joined with others who didn't want to appear disloyal to the daughter but couldn't bring themselves to dance.
Today, I finally discovered a dividing line. Mr liberal all things to all people is no more . instead Mr ' Dignity and Decorum' has taken up residence.
At a funeral, a family's request for S- Club 7's ' Reach for the Stars' - a jaunty little number - was duly played at the Committal....
Well, the family said they wanted something upbeat. That's fine, I have no problem with that, it was just that when I had done the 'Forasmuch' - the adult daughter of the family climbed on to her pew and started clapping and dancing in time with the music , and encouraging everyone else on.
It was horrifying. I decided that I couldn't join in , so I turned and faced the coffin throughout.
It was like the worst sort of disco and failed because it was more about the music than about the person. I noticed that my reluctance / refusal to join in was joined with others who didn't want to appear disloyal to the daughter but couldn't bring themselves to dance.
Today, I finally discovered a dividing line. Mr liberal all things to all people is no more . instead Mr ' Dignity and Decorum' has taken up residence.
Tuesday 12th July
Things are beginning to get on top of me now.
Bills keep rolling in , seemingly without end. The weather is muggy and everything seems just too much effort all round.
On the plus side, I have somewhere to live for just over a month. Church people usually say, 'Something will turn up.'
It better!
Bills keep rolling in , seemingly without end. The weather is muggy and everything seems just too much effort all round.
On the plus side, I have somewhere to live for just over a month. Church people usually say, 'Something will turn up.'
It better!
Sunday 10th July
Every so often, I collect up the mail from my aunt's house and deliver it to my cousin for processing. Today was such a day.
He lives on an estate that was built in the era when architects were beginning to create roads that went here there and everywhere. My daughter and I have a game that is nothing more than my claim that I can get to my cousin's house in one go. She doubts my abilities and is usually right. It can sometimes take an hour to reach the address in question, a journey that would otherwise be no more than ten minutes from the motorway.
My cousin is in the garden at the back of his house. We chat for a while, and then I ask him if he had received my email.
'Yes' , he says, ' I had rather hoped it would be possible for you to move out at the end of August so we can use the Bank Holiday weekend to get everything ready for the Estate Agents.'
This was not what I had hoped to hear. My hope had been that I could have stayed on a while longer as a caretaker. On the other hand, my aunt needed to sell it and she had been very kind to me. This would render me homeless once more. Now I was in unchartered territory. This could get scary.
My cousin's words were a real sucker punch - but I don't blame him at all, he has been more than reasonable and generous.
He lives on an estate that was built in the era when architects were beginning to create roads that went here there and everywhere. My daughter and I have a game that is nothing more than my claim that I can get to my cousin's house in one go. She doubts my abilities and is usually right. It can sometimes take an hour to reach the address in question, a journey that would otherwise be no more than ten minutes from the motorway.
My cousin is in the garden at the back of his house. We chat for a while, and then I ask him if he had received my email.
'Yes' , he says, ' I had rather hoped it would be possible for you to move out at the end of August so we can use the Bank Holiday weekend to get everything ready for the Estate Agents.'
This was not what I had hoped to hear. My hope had been that I could have stayed on a while longer as a caretaker. On the other hand, my aunt needed to sell it and she had been very kind to me. This would render me homeless once more. Now I was in unchartered territory. This could get scary.
My cousin's words were a real sucker punch - but I don't blame him at all, he has been more than reasonable and generous.
Wednesday 6th July
A day of jangled nerves and a feeling of having been zapped by a Tazer.
To those who asked, I tried to put a light-hearted gloss on it all , but of course it was only the thickness of a tissue.
I decided to email my cousin to explain what had happened and to ask if I could stay until the first week in September. I had originally suggested that if everything went according to plan, I would leave round about mid-July.
The rest of the day was given over to whatever I fancied doing, it's one of the luxuries of unemployment that your time is your own. I certainly had no motivation to apply for other jobs. There were no other parishes to apply for in the area around my daughter's home.
It was all too much. Too much.
To those who asked, I tried to put a light-hearted gloss on it all , but of course it was only the thickness of a tissue.
I decided to email my cousin to explain what had happened and to ask if I could stay until the first week in September. I had originally suggested that if everything went according to plan, I would leave round about mid-July.
The rest of the day was given over to whatever I fancied doing, it's one of the luxuries of unemployment that your time is your own. I certainly had no motivation to apply for other jobs. There were no other parishes to apply for in the area around my daughter's home.
It was all too much. Too much.
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