Wednesday 31st August

My income from the funerals I do, now provides enough to enable me to get by but provides nothing for extras of any sort. It is still hand to mouth but at least the mouth is fed and the car runs, but no hope of saving anything. Maybe that will come with time.

The big drawback is that , at my mother's house, I am 2 hours from the centre of my 'work' and I have an early morning service to take tomorrow. It is too stressful and risky to drive three hours ahead of time because the greater the distance, the greater the chance of something going wrong. Not only that, but all profits derived from the services I take would soon disappear into my petrol tank.

Today, I led a service in the said town, so the idea of driving two hours back to my mother's and then driving two hours to get here the following day, is just a non-starter.

So now we come to the crunch, the nub of the matter, the truth about my situation. And the truth is that I have nowhere to stay tonight. I cannot afford a hotel , nor do I have friends to turn to . I am in fact homeless.
It is not the end of the world as it happens to us all from time to time, but what is scary is not knowing if this process might stretch way out to the future. I am not on the street with nowhere to go, for I do have a car and that will be my shelter for the night.

At about 8 o'clock at night, as darkness begins to fall, I head over to the local Sainsbury's knowing that I can kill a bit of time wandering around there. Strange to say, that when you are busy and you are looking for a diversion, going round a supermarket taking your time over things can be a glorious way to waste some time. On the other hand, when you have got all the time in the world, suddenly, nothing looks quite as attractive or interesting, and the browsing is done in an instant.

I decide to treat myself cheaply to anything in the reduced aisle, to make my tea. After some thought, I buy a pack of sandwiches and a dessert. Looking for a drink, I suddenly realise that I am going to buy a bottle of wine, and maybe drink it all, well, I won't be driving. A curtain is briefly lifted, as I see for myself why so many homeless people turn to alcohol. I previously knew it for myself, but now I see that it is the arch medicine, the magical cure all for the world's pains.

Back in my car, I drink a few glasses and begin to sense its ameliorating effects towards all the world's ills.

After 15 years in the ministry with a developing career, it has suddenly come down to this. An outcome I did not seek or secretly wish for, but one that I find myself in quite unexpectedly. The knowledge of one's alone-ness is quite a sobering thought.