Friday 10th June

It is my Mother's Birthday today!

My second son is also struggling. He's at University au nord de l'Angleterre. I sent him £20 via BACS, it's not much but it may help.

Felt mildly depressed all day today and am punchdrunk, actually quite exhausted, from looking at websites. The internet absorbs so much time, a lot of it quite enjoyably, but precious time nonetheless. As we travel in our cyber bubbles and leap into our hermetically sealed family cars we may be losing touch with reality. A few years ago now, I did the Pilgrim's route from Winchester - Canterbury. I never actually completed it because I made the fatal error of ringing home and discovering that the aforementioned son had in fact broken his leg which was now apparently in plaster. Recognising a family crisis, I abandoned my walk halfway through to return home and help look after him. I had to disengage my mind from what I was doing and the disappointment of not completing the route. When I got home, I heard this little voice call out, 'Hi, dad!' It was my son, complete with plaster, playing football in the garden. Words can probably not express my feelings. However, this was not the point of my story. The point of my story is that when I was walking along the roads, on my way to Canterbury, I literally saw no one one else walking the pavements. Everyone was in cars. There was no social interaction or bonhomie to be had, in some ways, in my loneliness I felt somewhat threatened.

Looking for jobs and never ever, and that is never ever, hearing back from the organisations concerned, that they have received my application and will give it the due care and attention, that the 3 days and nights I spent on it , deliberating over it, and fine tuning it, that it so richly deserves, has been received, is , to say the least, most dispiriting. So I am officially fed up.

As bills get paid, a slight rush of air marks their departure from my Bank Account, I am starting to feel anxious about the speed with which everything seems to disappear so easily. I haven't even paid my aunt the agreed £250 a month rent yet. I add it to the to do list.

A phone call from a Funeral Director offers me a 'job' .

My heart soars!

Then I discover that in fact it is going to go the local vicar instead. Well, that's quite right and proper but I could have done with it, so it all contributes to the general gloom of the day.

Something has got to happen soon!

Rang my mother who sounded in good spirits. She had been out to lunch with her friends and had had a nice time. I sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her over the phone.